An open letter to Jesus Christ

jesus-christ-from-hagia-sophia

Today’s post is inspired by a Twitter thread I did last month. if you want to read it, start here.

Today, I’ve written an open letter to Jesus since he has never gotten back to any of my prayers, yet people keep insisting he’s interested in a “personal relationship” with me.

I’d ask you share this with your friends and family so that hopefully someone that knows him can send him the link.

Dear Jesus (if that’s really your name),

I’ve heard from many people that you’re interested in getting to know me. with some even telling me you already love me (I’ll admit that kinda creeps me out since we’ve never met before). I heard you’re Dad is quite the Homophobe, but I haven’t heard anything about your stance on the subject, but considering you apparently already love me, I felt it prudent to address something right away to avoid any misunderstandings. I’m hoping it’s a platonic relationship you’re looking for, like beer & wings buddies. If you’re looking for more than that, you need to know that A) I don’t swing that way and B) I’m already married. I really don’t care if you’re gay, we can still be buds, I just need you to know that if you’re hoping for more, you’ll need to look elsewhere.

I was told you have super-hero level hearing and I just need to call your name & you’ll start listening, so I’ve sent a few invitations out over the years asking if you want to hang out sometime, maybe play some pool or grab a movie, or even just chat. Unfortunately, I haven’t heard back yet. Maybe your hearing just isn’t as great as I’ve been told. If I could get your phone number, address, email or something, I’d be happy to drop you a line, but no one seems to know them, so that’s why I’m writing this open letter. Maybe if it gets shared enough you’ll eventually see it and get back to me. If I go by what I’ve seen on Facebook, you are apparently really big on the number of likes and shares things get.

To be honest, I’m having serious doubts about whether you’re actually real, let alone interested in a relationship with me. You reportedly talk to lots of other people and they all say you’re looking to be friends with me too, so I don’t know what to think. Are they all lying? Is it just one big joke that I’m not getting?

From what I’ve, heard you can be kinda needy, always asking for praise & money, so you need to know that I’m not interested in that kind of friend, so don’t bother if that’s true. I also heard you are super controlling, always demanding your friends and friends of friends not to do certain things like never eating shellfish or bacon. I gotta say, I’m a huge fan of both, so if that’s part of the deal, then its probably best we don’t be friends.

A few people have said you’ve lightened up on that stuff with your new friends but still insist your old buddies follow the old rules. I can see how those rules could make it hard to find new friends; especially that rule about chopping off part of their dicks. Sounds really weird, dude.

One guy I was talking to, that claims he’s really close to you, was telling me you peek in on your friends to see if they’re masturbating or doing anything else you don’t like. That’s some seriously creepy stalker behaviour and won’t fly with me, so if that’s true too, no need to contact me.

You know, if even ½ of what I’ve been told is true, I probably don’t want anything to do with you, but I’ll leave the invitation open anyway. If you ever do answer, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt & see what you’re like. Maybe most of what I’ve heard is wrong and you’re actually the really nice guy some say you are.

Anyway, if you ever see this, please get back to me; I’m told you know how to find me. Until then, I’m tired of waiting for you, so I’m going to go about my life without you.

Sincerely,

Bruce

Until next time, keep drinking the Kool-aid.

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7 thoughts on “An open letter to Jesus Christ

  1. joshua caudill

    Hi Bruce,
    I haven’t been in contact for a while but always enjoyed our volleys and felt a kinship with you. I find your post here to be heavy on sarcasm and devoid of sincerity. I (believe that I) know you well enough to assume that you would never approach a prospective friend in this manner: say a theoretical physicist, philosopher or skeptic you KNEW to exist in this manner.

    This post would be better defined as Noah Webster’s (circa 1828) definition of “scoffer” One who scoffs; one that mocks, derides or reproaches in the language of contempt; a scorner.

    I have periodically checked in on your twitter account because, unlike most of the ostensibly real people I encountered on Twitter, I felt that a frank exchange of intellectually consistent ideas was able to be had between us.

    From my experience an encounter with Almighty God (not necessarily the caricature promulgated by so called “followers”) begins with sincere communication not scornful, contemptuous, pompous posterizing in public fora.

    I hope you harbor some of the same sentiments about me even if you don’t agree with my conclusions about the significance of or genesis of life.

    (biloxiblister, aka maxwellcoffeequation)

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    1. Eh Post author

      First, thanks for reading & taking the time to respond.
      Second, your assessment would be correct in that my “letter” was very heavy on sarcasm & was really meant to be satirical. However, my satire, as with most satire, was done to make a very valid point. That being that Jesus holds the responsibility to let me know he exists.

      If any form of relationship is to be started, both parties knowing the other exists is the absolute bare minimum requirement. If only John knows Sue exists, a relationship cannot be started between the two. It is also unreasonable to expect Sue to seek out John, especially sincerely, since she doesn’t know he exists. Even if she’s heard about John, if John hides every time she looks his way, it’s reasonable for her to assume he doesn’t exist & go about her life as if he doesn’t exist.
      To expect me to sincerely ask for Jesus to reveal himself is ridiculous. If Jesus wants a relationship with me, he knows where I am. Further, to head off the expected rebuttal, knowing someone exists doesn’t strip a person of their free will to choose to have a relationship with them. In fact, it does the opposite & GIVES them the ability to make an educated choice.
      I have enjoyed our twitter convos & welcome further discuss there of here.
      Take care.
      I also sarcastically touch on some of the weirder attributes of god/Jesus to show how ridiculous they really are.

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      1. joshua caudill

        I understand the tactic of illustrating what one considers to be absurd with the absurd. I suppose this would be less interesting for both of us if we were in lock step with one another.

        A small quibble I have with your characterization of my position (one that I may have expressed poorly in the past) is that it be necessary for God/ Jesus/ Holy Spirit to “reveal” Himself to you when it’s probably more correct (at least from my perspective) to ask God to open your eyes to His existence and fervent desire to commune with you.

        I think that it is “begging the question” to assert that as one party of a pair of entities that you alone should be responsible for dictating the “terms of engagement” for lack of a better term.

        That is similar to saying that if the authorities want to exert their will upon me it is their responsibility to contact me and convey the laws to me personally and until such time as they do I can not be held responsible for my ignorance of them.

        Try that with a bag of cocaine or state secrets (unless you happen to be Bruce Clinton)

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      2. Eh Post author

        I’m not setting terms of engagement, I’m explaining the logical bare minimum requirements to start a relationship. Do you disagree that both parties should, as a minimum, be aware of the others existence? Do you find it reasonable to expect me to approach someone first if I’ve never met them & don’t know they exist?

        If you were unaware the authorities existed, then it would be the responsibility of the authorities to let you know they do. How can you be expected to follow up on something you don’t know exists.

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  2. joshua caudill

    I am going to bed before you respond with a thought provoking and interesting response that causes me to be sleep deprived tomorrow. We should do this like the old timers played chess: a move at a time via mail. Prevents bags under the eyes.

    Be well.

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  3. Wil C. Fry

    The whole “you have to know the other party exists in order to have a relationship with them” thing reminded me of the movie “Mazerunner” from a couple of years ago. The folks in the maze don’t know why they’re there, who made it, what they’re supposed to do, how to get out, consequences of actions, etc. They learn it all by trial and error, and (spoiler!) eventually get out of the Maze.

    If I ever did become convinced of a higher power again (unlikely), it would have to be in the context of such a world — where the Maker(s) set up the game, told us nothing about it, and left us here. We don’t know if the Maker(s) is (are) dead, or if he/she/it/they is testing us, or what, because they simply removed all noticeable traces of themselves.

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