Today’s post is inspired by a Twitter thread I did last month. if you want to read it, start here.
Today, I’ve written an open letter to Jesus since he has never gotten back to any of my prayers, yet people keep insisting he’s interested in a “personal relationship” with me.
I’d ask you share this with your friends and family so that hopefully someone that knows him can send him the link.
Dear Jesus (if that’s really your name),
I’ve heard from many people that you’re interested in getting to know me. with some even telling me you already love me (I’ll admit that kinda creeps me out since we’ve never met before). I heard you’re Dad is quite the Homophobe, but I haven’t heard anything about your stance on the subject, but considering you apparently already love me, I felt it prudent to address something right away to avoid any misunderstandings. I’m hoping it’s a platonic relationship you’re looking for, like beer & wings buddies. If you’re looking for more than that, you need to know that A) I don’t swing that way and B) I’m already married. I really don’t care if you’re gay, we can still be buds, I just need you to know that if you’re hoping for more, you’ll need to look elsewhere.
I was told you have super-hero level hearing and I just need to call your name & you’ll start listening, so I’ve sent a few invitations out over the years asking if you want to hang out sometime, maybe play some pool or grab a movie, or even just chat. Unfortunately, I haven’t heard back yet. Maybe your hearing just isn’t as great as I’ve been told. If I could get your phone number, address, email or something, I’d be happy to drop you a line, but no one seems to know them, so that’s why I’m writing this open letter. Maybe if it gets shared enough you’ll eventually see it and get back to me. If I go by what I’ve seen on Facebook, you are apparently really big on the number of likes and shares things get.
To be honest, I’m having serious doubts about whether you’re actually real, let alone interested in a relationship with me. You reportedly talk to lots of other people and they all say you’re looking to be friends with me too, so I don’t know what to think. Are they all lying? Is it just one big joke that I’m not getting?
From what I’ve, heard you can be kinda needy, always asking for praise & money, so you need to know that I’m not interested in that kind of friend, so don’t bother if that’s true. I also heard you are super controlling, always demanding your friends and friends of friends not to do certain things like never eating shellfish or bacon. I gotta say, I’m a huge fan of both, so if that’s part of the deal, then its probably best we don’t be friends.
A few people have said you’ve lightened up on that stuff with your new friends but still insist your old buddies follow the old rules. I can see how those rules could make it hard to find new friends; especially that rule about chopping off part of their dicks. Sounds really weird, dude.
One guy I was talking to, that claims he’s really close to you, was telling me you peek in on your friends to see if they’re masturbating or doing anything else you don’t like. That’s some seriously creepy stalker behaviour and won’t fly with me, so if that’s true too, no need to contact me.
You know, if even ½ of what I’ve been told is true, I probably don’t want anything to do with you, but I’ll leave the invitation open anyway. If you ever do answer, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt & see what you’re like. Maybe most of what I’ve heard is wrong and you’re actually the really nice guy some say you are.
Anyway, if you ever see this, please get back to me; I’m told you know how to find me. Until then, I’m tired of waiting for you, so I’m going to go about my life without you.
Until next time, keep drinking the Kool-aid.